Proofreading step 2: Let’s keep goi- ok this chapter doesn’t work.
So, ran into a bit of a problem.
There I was, happily chugging along getting rid of various words such as very, incredibly, suddenly, and, then, when, really, much, quickly and many (that one, too) others when I got to chapter five.
Chapter five and I have a complicated relationship.
In and of itself, chapter five is fine. It takes (or took) the form of a flashback and provides important information about past events in the history of 82 G Eridani and establishes one of the main characters of the book.
The trouble is where chapter five sits.
It may come as a surprise to you, but chapter five comes after chapter four, and chapter four follows immediately on chapter three.
These chapters contain quite a lot of world-building. I worked quite hard to try and make my world-building show-y rather than tell-y and for the most I (I hope) succeeded. There are a few info-dumps, not gonna lie, but I got them to a point where they don’t feel intrusive and don’t break the flow of the story.
And then comes chapter five like a wet turd.
As I was proofreading, tightening up, spellchecking and re-arranging words I couldn’t help but actually read what was on the page and I was hit by how clumsy chapter five is. It breaks the flow of the story because it wasn’t part of the story - it was a flashback where there aren’t really other flashbacks in the book.
So I had to fix that. Chapter five is no longer a flashback and the events previously portrayed as such are now part of a character’s recollection, instead. It’s not perfect, but it’s in a workable condition, in other words it at least no longer breaks the flow of the story. I’ll almost certainly return to it in my second final proofreading and tighten it up a bit further but it’s no longer a roadblock.
And back to the proofreading I go. So many words that need to go, so many phrases that need fixing. Who wrote this crap? Oh right. Damn.
Anyway, as before, here’s a sneak peek:
Before:
“You and Mr Souze own a ship together, don’t you?” Alex was aware that his cheeks were red, though he had a strong feeling of disassociation, like he was observing this conversation from the outside.
“Yes.”
“The Fatima, correct?”
“Yes.”
“Why is it called Fatima?” the question, he realised, had stemmed from the woman. It was the first time she had spoken since she entered the room.
“We named it after my mother.”
“You were partners, yes?” Gris continued and Grey returned to her quiet watch.
“Yes.”
“In the business sense or the romantic sense?”
“Both.” he offered through clenched teeth.
And after:
“You and Mr Souze own a ship together, don’t you?” Alex could feel his cheeks burning and he felt he was watching the conversation from outside his own body.
“Yes.”
“The Fatima, correct?”
“Yes.”
“Why is it called Fatima?” the question had come from the woman. It was the first time she had spoken since he entered the room.
“We named it after my mother.”
“You were partners, yes?” Gris continued and Grey returned to her quiet watch.
“Yes.”
“In the business sense or the romantic sense?”
“Both.” he offered through clenched teeth.
Hopefully it feels a little tighter and cleaner.
Anyway that’s that! Hopefully I’ll have time to do another post next monday but me and the wife will be travelling over the weeken so possibly not. Until then thanks again for reading!
/Pontus